


I Can Wait

by elphiemolizbethbau



Series: Something Good [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23764963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau
Summary: Rolivia One-Shot. Begins during "Forgiving Rollins" and explores Olivia and Amanda's journey from being colleagues to becoming friends, and then something more. Exists in the Something Good/The Rose universe, but is a prequel to both so it's not necessary to read either. Song fic set to "I Can Wait" by Melissa Etheridge.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Series: Something Good [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747219
Comments: 7
Kudos: 27





	I Can Wait

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tamara521](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamara521/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Something Good](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21989713) by [elphiemolizbethbau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau). 



> A/N: Hi friends! This is a quick one-shot prequel to Something Good and The Rose. Because it takes place before either story, reading those two fics is not necessary to understanding this one. It is a song fic set to some of the lyrics of I Can Wait by Melissa Etheridge. It’s dedicated to Tamara521 on Archive of our Own. Thanks for requesting this!  
> What you need to know: It is not yet established Rolivia. This story explores their journey from colleagues to friends to more, and it ends where The Rose picks up, filling in some of the gaps left there. Important note—Noah does not exist in this story.

I Can Wait

“Can you go back to that detective you were five years ago and feel compassion for her?”

That’s what Olivia had asked her, and the question had knocked the air from the blonde’s chest. 

Compassion. The hallmark of an SVU detective. It’s what set her, Olivia, supposedly Amaro, and sometimes Carisi apart from other LEOs. It wasn’t all about busting perps and finding evidence. Homicide wasn’t expected to deal with the emotional wreckage of living victims, of survivors. It added a whole other dimension to the job, and Amanda would be lying if she tried to claim that wasn’t why she picked this division of police work over her other choices. The woman held compassion in her body like a vital life source, and she offered stores of it to every survivor she encountered. She’d immediately felt empathy for Reese Taymor, a woman who could have been Rollins, who indeed was Rollins. If she could feel compassion for her, then why did her supply run dry when the detective searched for some to afford herself? 

The truth is Amanda didn’t feel compassion for the detective she was five years ago, and she didn’t feel compassion for the detective she was today. She made the choice, albeit one of the dumbest choices she’d ever made, to enter that hotel room, to lie down on the bed, to spread her legs. She was a cop! She didn’t say no. And she didn’t even fight all that hard. She didn’t understand why her sergeant felt compassion for her.

And she definitely didn’t understand why she was now knocking on her door.

“Rollins, it’s me. I’m just here to check on you.”

Amanda didn’t even look up from the container of ice cream that she cradled between her thighs, the cold numbness there soothing the aching desire to search for a local horse race or drive down to Atlantic City. “I’m fine, Serge,” she placated flatly, sliding a spoonful of Cookies N’ Cream between her lips. “I’m gonna go see Dr. Lindstrom soon, okay? I promise. Today just wasn’t a good day,” she called through the door as a head-splitting brain freeze grounded her to the present moment.

This was useless. Olivia wasn’t going to leave, was she?

“Amanda, humor me.” Great. She was being first named by her superior officer. That never ended well. “I would just like to see your face for a moment, please.”

The younger woman grumbled softly, placing the semi-melted container of ice-cold comfort on the table in front of her and noting the dull ache the residual cold left against her pajama-cladded legs. Benson’s words were gentle, but they weren’t a request. “I’m comin’, I’m comin,” she relented, opening the door of her apartment and revealing herself to the insistent sergeant. “Look, Liv. I’m in one piece.” She gestured to herself as if she were an object for-sale, an item on display. “You don’t need to worry about me, okay? I’m gonna go to bed now.”

The brunette jammed her foot in the door, effectively preventing Amanda from shutting it, unless of course she planned on breaking a few phalanges in the process. The detective’s eyebrows narrowed in confusion. It wasn’t like the sergeant to be so forceful. “Amanda, please.” Her voice had gone softer now, the woman no longer disguising the pleading tone in her voice as chocolate orbs intensely gazed into cloudy blues. “I’m not going to make you see Dr. Lindstrom. It was inappropriate of me to try to force that on you.The last thing I want to do is take away your right to choose what you think is best for yourself. I just want to talk. Can I come in?”

Liv’s foot retreated back into the hallway, giving Amanda the option of slamming the door in her face if that’s what she wanted. But the blonde’s heart melted. This is why Sergeant Benson was so good at her job. She gently stripped away each excuse Amanda would employ to refuse to let her in, and she meant every word she said. It was clear she only wanted to help. And the junior detective was struck by an undeniable feeling that she should let her. “Okay,” she acquiesced, stepping aside and granting permission for her commanding officer to enter her apartment.

I know that you’re trembling  
Despite your disguise  
Your world is on fire, I can see it in your eyes  
Those spirits are hungry, oh they feast on your fear  
They’re howling and screaming, I can feel them so near  
I will stay right here

Things never went back to normal after that night. The women started going out routinely. First, a drink after work, dinner after a hard-fought guilty verdict, and then—a drink just cause, dinner because “why not?”

Amanda first realized something was horribly wrong when Olivia introduced the team to a woman she was seeing. Stephanie was a tall drink of water, so much so that Amanda had begun referring to the woman in her head as “H2O”. H2O was pleasant enough, but her mere presence induced anxiety in the detective. And if her reaction to finding out about the relationship was inappropriate, then her response to Liv’s confession that she’d broken up with H2O was simply absurd. There was nothing joyful about the end of a relationship.

Except for this one.

When the sergeant restarted their weekly girls’ nights after she’d been freed from H2O's (sexy) clutches, Amanda felt alive again. She had something to look forward to besides cuffing scumbags. She likened Olivia’s presence in her life to the feeling she got when she rolled down the car window on a particularly sunny day. 

Breathing easy.

Wind in her face.

Laughter.

Warmth.

She’d had these feelings before, but only once. Her high school best friend, Hope Bishop, lit the same fire in her heart. She found out that she had the same effect on Hope two days before the Bishops sent her away to some kind of boarding school. She knew not to ask any questions. Amanda had frozen her heart after that, pledging never to let herself love another woman. It wasn’t safe. She thought dating men would be easy, especially since she wouldn’t ever be emotionally invested. But she’d underestimated the male sex drive, and more than that, the socially sanctioned male need for power. 

Patton was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

What was the fucking point?

But Olivia—Olivia made her feel safe. Her gentle laughter was like being in a boat on a still ocean, calming, quietly reassuring. The space the sergeant gave her when she wasn’t feeling up to socializing was respectful—did the brunette respect her? 

The younger woman both loved and hated each casual caress, each soft smile, every kind word. It felt amazing to have a friend, a real friend who was there because she enjoyed her company and not because she was a convenient plaything. But thinking about the implications of those intimate interactions was also painful. Olivia could remind her that she was deserving of a genuine friendship a million times, but it would do no good for the detective to believe her. There was no way the older woman returned Amanda’s feelings. She’d seen herself, lived in her own mind—nothing about her was appealing. Who would even want to date a survivor? 

One thing was for sure—Amanda Rollins was falling hard for Olivia Benson.

It can seem so hard when your demons have found you  
Oh they drag you through hell  
Don’t pay your attention to the stories they tell  
Don’t get me wrong now honey, I know it’s severe  
Just give me a smile now baby, let me whisper in your ear  
I will stay right here

Amanda didn’t know what to make of it when she heard the familiar knock on her door, this time more urgent than usual. Olivia always texted before showing up because she knew that the sound of knocking had the potential to startle the blonde. This wasn’t one of their planned get-togethers, and though Amanda would never complain or be anything other than ecstatic at the sight of this intoxicating woman, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

“Liv, are you—”

The younger woman was interrupted by Olivia pushing her way inside, and Amanda wordlessly followed the sergeant into her living room. “Liv, are you okay?” she managed to complete her question after a moment.

“I—is it okay if I just talk for a minute?”

Amanda had never been given the power to decide whether or not she would listen to someone rant at her before, but the request for consent wasn’t surprising coming from the brunette. God, the detective would do anything for the woman who stood in her apartment. “Of—of course,” she stuttered.

Oh, God.

The older woman had never felt so prepared to act. She’d written a script, developed a contingency plan—hell, she’d even broken up with a woman she genuinely cared for. It didn’t take long to realize that her relationship with Steph wouldn’t go anywhere. The accountant just didn’t get it. Didn’t get any of it. And when the sergeant started fantasizing about Amanda when she was with her, she decided she had to put a stop to the dead-end relationship.

Olivia knew she had to start speaking soon because her get up and go was about to get up and go itself. She’d never known Amanda to date anyone, certainly not a woman, and—Jesus Christ, it had only been a few months since her rapist had been pled out. All the brunette was going to accomplish was ruining an incredible friendship. But how she longed to be closer to the beautiful and troubled detective. To kiss her tears and hold her close, and make sure that she never again felt worthless. But would Amanda even want her love? 

“I’ve really been enjoying spending time with you these last few months, but I—”

Amanda was terrified of what would happen if she expressed disagreement with her commanding officer, so she interrupted Olivia’s statement with the conclusion she expected to hear, the feeling of a knife penetrating her chest. “You don’t think we should do it anymore. I get it, you’re my sergeant.”

“No!” Olivia didn’t mean to come on so strong, but she knew her words were failing. “Amanda, I…” 

She watched the woman she was irrevocably in love with swallow hard, beads of sweat forming on a pale forehead. “Lately, I…” Amanda gave her an encouraging nod, stepping forward. The blonde never wanted Olivia to feel like she couldn’t be entirely honest with her, but the fear of what her sergeant was about to say was moments away from consuming her, the urge to crumple into a ball and collapse onto the floor growing by the millisecond. Just spit it out, Amanda thought. Just get it over with. You don’t want to be my friend anymore, she assumed. Just tell me. “Amanda, lately I’ve realized that I have some feelings,” she admitted, clearing her throat, “feelings about this friendship and about what you mean to me. I, uh, I love you Amanda.”

No. No way.

“And I understand if you don’t return these feelings, and I would never force—force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, so if you don’t feel the same way, just, uh, just tell me, and we can pretend this never happened.”

The detective felt as if she would pass out. “I…I…uh.”

“It’s okay, Amanda, just take your time,” Olivia had coaxed her, but the brunette’s eyes gave away how she was really feeling. They had widened, and the corners of both of them were brimming with unshed tears that the sergeant struggled diligently to hold back.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I'm just a little nervous." Jesus Christ, Rollins! “I’m just a little nervous?!” That must have been the most pathetic reaction to another person’s declaration of love of all time.

"I didn't mean to make you nervous," the sergeant instinctively swore to the younger woman, stepping slightly away from her in case the close proximity had anything to do with Amanda's trepidation. "We don't have to have this conversation if you don't want to."

Amanda shook her head. She’d never wanted anything more in her entire life. 

"No, I—I do. I do want to. I…" Amanda took a deep breath in before rushing her next words with an audible exhale, leading to the last of them coming out in a breathless hurry. "I feel the same way, Olivia. I have for a really long time. I was just scared to say something before."

Amanda began shaking when Olivia led her to sit on the couch inside the blonde’s apartment, a place where they’d munched on popcorn and binge-watched television countless times. "It sounds like we're on the same page," Liv observed, smoothing her thumb over the back of the younger woman's hand. "But we don't have to do anything about it if you're not ready, 'Manda."

This was more than anything Amanda could have ever allowed herself to wish for. Olivia Fucking Benson had just professed her love to her, and she was feeling unsure. Fucking Christ, Amanda, you are the dumbest human being…“I just don’t know if I can do this.”

You will find what you are looking for  
And this work is never done  
There are no judgments only open doors  
The choice is yours  
You can’t get it wrong. 

“Tell me what you don’t think you can do,” the sergeant had gently encouraged, holding the blonde’s hand protectively within her own. What had been done to her? What had made this absolutely extraordinary woman feel unworthy and incapable of love?

Amanda gestured vaguely between them, the ball of nausea that had taken up residence in her abdomen beginning to relent. “I care about you too much to hurt you like this.”

Olivia’s head tipped to the side. “What makes you think you’re hurting me?”

“Have you met me?” She chuckled without mirth, a bitter tension traveling through her body. “I’m a fuckin’ train wreck, Olivia.”

“Amanda, look at me.” The words made it seem like a command, but the gentleness in her tone revealed the true intention behind the words. Olivia had something important to say, and she wanted Amanda to take it all in. When the blonde looked up, the sergeant offered a small smile. “You’ve been through some of the worst things a human being can survive. I can’t take that pain away, though of course I wish I could. What I can do is hold your hand through it all, walk through the darkness by your side, and find the light together. If doing that as a couple doesn’t sound right to you, then I’m happy to do it as a friend.”

“I’m not sure exactly what I want, but I’m open to figuring it out—with you.” The vulnerability in the younger woman’s eyes was breathtaking to the brunette. She’d never seen Amanda look this trusting before, and she had to resist the urge to reach out and touch her more intimately. This was a conversation for another day. “I feel like by being hesitant about it though, I’m driving you away.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” The term of endearment almost made Amanda’s eyes roll into the back of her head. Being treated with this level of care and Olivia-Benson-grade compassion was addicting. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

I can wait, I won’t change  
I won’t fade from the dark and strange  
Feel the moon, get to know the stars  
I know it’s not easy honey  
Oh but I can wait, I can wait.  
I will stay right here.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I hope you liked! Please let me know what you think! I will be updating In the First Degree by the end of the week! Stay safe!


End file.
